The Lord of the Beans
by Blue Chocobo Girl
Summary: Duo reads Quatre a bedtime story about the Mary Sue Empire’s attempt to steal the Great Bean of Power and the Fellowship of the Bean’s effort to restore peace to the land of Middle-Gaea. A ton of crossovers and fusion. Randomness is fun, or is it?
1. The Fellowship of the Bean

Disclaimer: I don't own any thing in this fanfic except the Subterranean Marshmallow Pixies (or maybe the pixies own me, I must ponder this).

Warning: Mary Sue bashing, if you like these evil monsters you might be offended.

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Chapter one: 'The Fellowship of the Bean'

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It was getting dark, but poor little Quatre could not fall asleep. You see, Quatre could not fall asleep until someone read him a bedtime story. Quatre wandered around his mansion looking for some one to read him a bedtime story. He walked into the kitchen to find Trowa staring blankly at the wall. "Trowa, can you read me a bedtime story?" The sleepy blond inquired.

"... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...." (Translation: sorry Quatre, I don't know any bedtime stories.) Was Trowa's reply.

Pouting Quatre went to find Duo, maybe he knew some bedtime stories. Quatre found Duo pestering Heero.

In Duo's best impression of Relena, he yelled in a shrill high-pitched voice, "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Scared out of his wits, Heero jumped five feet into the air and ran until he was sure he was safe from what he thought was Relena. Duo fell to the ground laughing, "Hah! You should have seen the look on his face!"

"It's not nice to tease him like that." Quatre reprimanded Duo in motherly way. Then he remembered why he was looking for Duo in the first place. "Duo, can you read me a bedtime story?" Quatre looked at Duo with big puppy-dog eyes.

Duo pulled a moderately sized book from out of thin air, "Ok, I know a really good story. It's called, The Lord of the Beans"

Quatre looked at Duo suspiciously, "Isn't it called The Lord of the Rings? This better not be another one of those scary fanfics written by Relena. I'll listen, just as long as it doesn't involve Heero falling in love with 'Princess' Relena because..." Quatre mocked Relena: "She is so pretty and perfect and smart and flamboyant and everyone loves her and is jealous of her at the same time, because she can't spell or use proper grammar and her fanfics have clichéd plots, tee hee hee!" Quatre then mimicked the way Mary Sues probably spaz out when they're reading their own fanfiction.

Duo was slightly unnerved by Quatre's disturbingly accurate imitation of a Mary Sue, but he didn't hold it against Quatre, because the poor boy had probably been forced to read Relena's sick demented fanfiction (which would drive anyone insane).

Suddenly as if by magic, they were instantly teleported into Quatre's bedroom. Quatre was sitting on his bed hugging his pink Hello Kitty pillow protectively.

Duo looked a bit freaked out, "Quatre, wh-wha...eh...how did you learn teleportation!?"

Quatre gazed calmly at Duo from behind the big fluffy pink Hello Kitty pillow, "the Subterranean Marshmallow Pixies taught me last week...I know it sounds strange, but please don't tell the others. I doubt they'd even believe you."

Duo sat there stupefied, "what are Submerging Marshmallow Pixies?"

Quatre sighed tiredly, "it's _Subterranean_ Marshmallow Pixies, I'll tell you about them later. Would you be so kind as to tell me a bedtime story please?" Quatre made big puppy-dog eyes at Duo, because he is the designated uke of the story and is therefore required to act cute 24/7 even though he probably hates it.

"Oh yeah, the story!" Duo declared as he enthusiastically stared recalling the epic tale of The Lord of the Beans, "Long ago, a great and terrible darkness was starting to consume the fair land of Middle-Gaea. Mistress Sue and the four Mary Sues were trying to steal the Great Bean of Power and use it to brainwash all of the bishonen in the entire world. However, you must remember that the Mary Sues were not always evil. On the contrary, they could have become fair and graceful fanfiction authoresses, but their hearts were corrupted by the evil Mistress Sue (either that or they were just immature little brats to begin with)."

"Is that why there are so many NC-17 Duo/Heero yaoi fanfics on fanfiction.net?" Quatre looked at Duo innocently.

Duo blushed, "umm...no...that's an entirely different story, but I'll have to wait until you're a little bit older to tell you. Now, if you'll let me continue my story..." Duo quickly changed the subject, "The Sues had captured five of Dilandau's best dragon slayers, Chesta, Gatti, Dallet, Miguel, and Guimel. Their ransom.... none other than the infamous Great Bean of Power. Luckily, the noble Ferret Lord Heero Yuy was carefully guarding the Great Bean of Power within the grand walls of Ferret Temple-"

"... ... ... ... ...?" (Translation: Are you sure this is a real story?) Trowa came into the room and sat down in a chair that magically appeared next to Quatre's bed.

Duo looked a bit startled, "Trowa how did you get here?"

Trowa started explaining, "... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...-" (Translation: I came through the inter-dimensional portal in the hallway that leads to Quatre's bedroom-)

Duo gawked at Quatre in astonishment, "I thought you said the Subterranean Marshmallow Pixies taught you how to teleport!" Duo was slightly hurt by the fact that the innocent little Quatre would lie to him.

Quatre laughed nervously, "Well…I hehe…umm...well...you see...I...u-umm..." Quatre couldn't think of any good excuses.

Trowa smirked, "... ... ... ..." (Translation: Duo, you're so gullible!) He started to laugh so hard he fell out of his chair.

Quatre glanced at Duo nervously and whispered in a scared little voice, "Duo... Trowa's laughing... he's acting totally out of character…something's wrong... I'm really worried... what should we do?"

Duo slowly backed away from Trowa, "maybe the inter-dimensional portal messed up his brain. I'll just have to continue my story, that should calm him down a bit." Duo cleared his throat loudly to get Trowa's attention, "There were also the four Magic Beans, one representing each of the four elements: earth, fire, air, and water. They were created after the Great Bean of Power to neutralize its energy, incase it should ever fall into the wrong hands. The Magic Beans also had the power to aid the chosen ones in combat against the forces of evil."

Quatre interrupted Duo, "Wait! This sounds suspiciously similar to some sort of RPG!"

"Its Funny you should say that. Actually the plot is based on a really lame old-school RPG between Hilde, Zechs, Trieze, Noin, Wufei, Une, and I" Duo explained, "Well... Noin and Une don't really like RPGs, so they just played Duel Monsters with their Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards the whole time instead of role-playing."

Quatre gasped, "You guys role-play? You don't seem like the type of people who would be interested in role-playing." He was also surprised that the seven of them could even be in the same room together without killing each other and blowing up an entire space colony.

"You'd be shocked by my 'm4d 5killz'. It wasn't very fun though, because Wufei was the GM and he kept yelling at Une for spazzing out every time Noin's monster annihilated one of her summons. I also suspect that Trieze was cheating! He must have tampered with his dice or something, because there is no way he could possible have gotten such good roles without loaded dice!" With a shifty glance, Duo resumed telling his story where he had left off, "the Magic Beans then sought out the chosen ones, they were the four bishonen that would form the fellowship of the Bean. Coincidentally, they all just happened to be the four dragon slayers: Chesta, Gatti, Dallet, and Miguel. Furthermore, they all just happened to be in the same place." Duo scoffed, "how lucky (yeah right)."

"... ... ... ... ... ... ...." (Translation: those stupid beans are just too lazy to go out and find actual bishonen to save the world.) Trowa added, finally coming back to his senses.

"Chesta received the Magic Bean of Fire, Gatti received the Magic Bean of Earth, Dallet received the Magic Bean of Air, and Miguel received the Magic Bean of Water. Soon they would begin a quest to save the entire world from the powers of darkness." Duo suddenly stopped reading and gasped, "To be continued?!"

Quatre and Trowa screamed in unison, "To be continued? Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Author's Note: This is my very first fanfic, so please don't flame me. I'm sorry if the plot sucks, it should be better in the next chapter.


	2. Pretty Sailor Soldier Dallet

Disclaimer: I don't own any thing in this fanfic except the Subterranean Marshmallow Pixies (myahahahaha! I am Monosome, Queen of the Subterranean Marshmallow Pixies, Ph34r 3!). And I think chi-energy is from the game Golden Sun and Golden Sun: the Lost Age for the GBA (actually they refer to it as 'Psynergy', but it's basically the same thing. =/)

Author's Note: Since Duo is going to be narrating the next few chapters, I'm just going to leave out the quotations from his dialog, because he is the one telling the story.

P.S. Thanks to every one who reviewed!

Warning: This chapter is 'stranger' than the last one, proceed with caution. (I think the chapter title is pretty self-explanatory)

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Chapter two: 'Pretty Sailor Soldier Dallet'

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The dragon slayers now had the power of the Magic Beans on their side, but there was still one problem, they were imprisoned in...umm a prison-ish-like cell that just happened to be inconveniently located at the heart of the Mary Sue Empire. And to make matters worse, Dilandau had made no effort to pay their ransom.

"We've been abandoned! Dilandau-sama doesn't love us anymore." Chesta sobbed.

"Well, since we have these Magic Beans with us, we should find out how they work and use them to escape." Miguel said, examining a small lima bean that was emitting a soft bluish glow.

Gatti ran up to where the other two dragon slayers were standing. "Hey you guys guess what!" The excited boy jumped up and down happily, "Dallet found out how to make the Magic Bean of Air work!"

Chesta and Miguel ran up to Dallet, buzzing with questions.

"Where's Guimel?" Dallet inquired, completely ignoring their questions. There was no point in showing off his 'm4d 5k1llz' if he didn't have a large audience.

"That Sheep-boy got voted off the island." Miguel replied nonchalantly.

Gatti chided Miguel angrily, "hey that's so mean! You shouldn't call him that! Just because his hairstyle is 'different' doesn't give you the right to make fun of him."

Dallet and Miguel just rolled their eyes at Gatti, wondering why anyone would want to defend that weird-looking boy.

Chesta interrupted the three of them in a desperate attempt to change the subject, "Dallet! Show us how the Magic Bean works!"

Dallet held up a lima bean with a grayish glow similar to that of the other magic lima beans. He yelled at the top of his voice, "Slayer Star Power, Make Up!" (Most people are probably familiar with the disturbing way the Sailor Starlights transform, or at least the way the Sailor Scouts transform. I doubt anyone really wants to hear the details.)

After going through the classic Sailor Moon style transformation with the cheesy music and all the little girly hearts and stuff in the background, Dallet (a.k.a. Sailor Star Slayer, yes he's turned into a girl now) was clad in a uniform similar to that of the Sailor Starlights, her luscious brown hair was cascading down her back (uber-gay Mary Sue Style) in one thousand three hundred twenty-six and a half tiny but perfectly woven braids.

"Why is Dallet dressed like a woman? Is he gay or someth-" Miguel started unhappily, only to be interrupted by Chesta...again.

"Awwwwwwwww how cute!" Chesta squealed, "she looks exactly like one of the Sailor Starlights!"

"Maybe you could use your new Sailor Moon powers to get us out of here." Miguel suggested, still not very pleased with the fact that one of his fellow dragon slayers was a cross dresser (crossplayer to be more precise).

Sailor Star Slayer required no further encouragement to show off her new '5k1llz'. First she put her arms together, like Goku from DBZ when he uses the Kamehameha attack. Then after focusing her chi-energy, she called out, "Star Disgruntled Guymelef!" A laser beam shot out of her hands and blasted into the wall of the prison-ish-like cell, leaving only a gaping hole.

The other three dragon slayers just stood there in awe.

"H-how did you do that?!" Chesta finally managed to squeak.

"The Subterranean Marshmallow Pixies taught me last night." Sailor Star Slayer bragged in a voice that was even more disturbingly feminine than it was in the English dubbed version of the Escaflowne anime series.

"Submerging Marshmallow Pixies?" Miguel stared at Sailor Star Slayer in disbelief.

"It's _Subterranean_ Marshmallow Pixies." Gatti corrected, because he always corrects people (even Dilandau), "they've been helping me focus my chi-energy too."

Miguel rolled his eyes, "whatever, let's just get out of here while we still have the chance." It was obvious to Miguel that the others were going crazy, it had to happen sooner or later. 'There are no such things as _Subterranean_ Marshmallow Pixies' Miguel thought to himself, 'its just some stupid urban legend that lame old people tell to scare disobedient children when they refuse to eat broccoli.'

Without any further delay the four dragon slayers escaped through the hole in the prison-like cell's wall and searched frantically for an exit.

"How impossible! This place is like a maze." Chesta sighed miserably, it seemed to the other dragon slayers that any second now he was going to burst into tears (because that's what ukes do).

"umm...if you haven't noticed, this place _is_ a maze. Just remember: 'All mazes have some sort of an exit'." Gatti corrected Chesta as kindly as humanly possible in an effort to prevent the small boy from crying.

Miguel sat down on the floor and tried to come up with a solution to their dilemma, "hmmm." He reflected thoughtfully, "if only there was a way we could find the exit."

"Let's split up gang!" Sailor Star Slayer suddenly declared, "Miguel and Chesta, you two go that way." She pointed to a path leading toward the left. "And Gatti and I will go this way." She pointed enthusiastically to a path leading toward the right.

"No way!" Miguel protested, "you just want to be alone with Gatti!" Miguel started mocking Sailor Star Slayer by making 'obnoxious girly kissy noises'.

"Are you obsessed with shounen-ai or something? I'm NOT gay and I'm NOT a cross dresser, I AM A WOMAN! I even have boobs!" Sailor Star Slayer was very annoyed with the fact that for some reason, Miguel just didn't seem to understand the fact that when she transformed into Sailor Star Slayer, she became a woman.

"It's ok, I'll just go with Chesta." Gatti volunteered benignly. The last thing he wanted to do was get involved with an argument between Miguel and Sailor Star Slayer.

"Well, now that we have that settled, let's go!" Miguel set off down the left path at a brisk pace pulling an unhappy Sailor Star Slayer along by the sailor scarf of her outfit, leaving Chesta and Gatti far behind them before Sailor Star Slayer had time for any further argument. It was obvious that all of the yelling was making Gatti uncomfortable. It would be a very bad thing if Gatti became upset, because there was no telling what type of destruction the uke could unleash upon the group with his chi-energy.

The two dragon slayers had been walking for quite a while when they finally decided to slow down. Miguel was the first one to break the angry silence that had formed between the two Zaibach soldiers, "Dallet, why can't I use chi-energy like you?" He asked, finally deciding to drop the subject of Dallet's gender identity 'issue'.

Sailor Star Slayer thought a while and then replied, "You could probably use chi-energy if you trained hard enough. I guess it's just a lot easier for me to use because I've had it ever since I was four years old."

Miguel was surprised by Sailor Star Slayer's reply, "how did you learn these 'm4d 5k1llz' at such a young age?"

Sailor Star Slayer sighed, "it all happened a long time ago, eleven years to be precise. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday..." Everything around them started morphing into black and white as Sailor Star Slayer prepared to convey a seemingly irrelevant flashback. However, it just so happened that her little story contained information that would be crucial to future plot development, "I was walking by myself through the forest, when I noticed a small golden colored ferret with it's tail caught in a bear-trap. I felt sorry for the poor little ferret, so I freed it from the trap."

"What happened next?" Miguel looked at Sailor Star Slayer nervously.

Sailor Star Slayer whined disappointedly, "To be continued." He stared crying.

"Don't worry." Miguel tried to console Sailor Star Slayer, "it was going to happen sooner or later. Lets just hope the new chapter is posted sometime within the next century."

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Author's Note: Again, please don't flame me. I know my fanfic is 't3h suxx0rz'. I would appreciate constructive criticism though.


	3. No Need for Mary Sue

Disclaimer: I don't own any thing in this fanfic except the mini-game Guess Who's On the Stairs. (Actually, I think my little brother invented it while playing that one part of Final Fantasy 7 where you have to run up like 60 flights of stairs to get into the Shinra building.)

Warning: I will start to make fun of Mary Sues in this chapter. If you like Mary Sues or are a writer of Mary Sue fan fiction: you may be offended. Consider yourself warned you evil Sue-lovers. (random Kenshin bashing too for some strange reason)

Author's Note: I'm not really Monosome, Queen of the Subterranean Marshmallow Pixies. I was only joking. The real Pixie Queen will be revealed in a later chapter (maybe not even in this fanfic 0.o).

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Chapter three: 'No Need for Mary Sue'

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Sailor Star Slayer continued with her story from the last chapter, "Once the golden colored ferret was freed, it magically transformed into a strange clown with spiky hair covering one eye. Normally, I would have ran away, because I have this terrible phobia of clowns, but something about this clown was different...it was like I could sense that he had some sort of special power. The clown spoke in an ancient dialect that was quite difficult to understand at first. The clown said, 'h4n j00 f0r fr331g 3, cH1d. 3y3 5h4 gr4j00 3h p04h 0f 3h 334. 53 1 153ly.' (Translation: Thank you freeing me, child. I shall grant you the power of The Bean. Use it wisely.) The clown then handed me the Bean of Wind." Dallet held the bean in her hand carefully.

Miguel took The Bean of Water out of his pocket and examined it as Sailor Star Slayer continued her story. "I looked at the bean a bit, then noticed the clown had vanished before I had a chance to thank him. Somehow I could sense his name was Trowa (for the sake of random exposition), maybe it was because of the power of the bean...or my own chi-energy...life is weird like that sometimes. I put the bean in my pocket and continued to wander aimlessly through the forest while thinking about my bizarre encounter with the clown. I walked for a while and then stopped when I heard a strange gargling noise coming from the bushes. It sounded like someone or something was screaming for its 'preciousssss'. I carefully peered through the bushes and saw a Mary Sue! In fact, it was uglier than any Mary Sue I've ever seen in the entire LOTR and Harry Potter fandom combined. The Mary Sue said that I had stolen her 'preciousssss', so she challenged me to a game of Guess Who's On the Stairs."

"Guess Who's On the Stairs...?" Miguel raised his eyebrow slightly and looked at Sailor Star Slayer skeptically.

Sailor Star Slayer explained the rules of the mini-game to Miguel, "The way you play is: the first person thinks of the name of an anime character and that character is on the 'stairs'. The second person has to guess the name of the character. The person guessing also gets to ask four 'yes or no' questions to help them guess the name, if the answer to the 'yes or no' question is 'no', the person thinking of the name will tell the other person the correct answer. There is no limit to the number of names the person can guess and the game is over when the person guesses the name or if they give up."

"Who won?" Miguel asked.

Sailor Star Slayer started explaining, "Well...we had a draw, so the Mary Sue tried to glomp me..."

"And then...?"

"At that exact moment I turned into a girl for some reason..." Sailor Star Slayer started to blush uncomfortably, "the Mary Sue accidentally groped my chest…I became so angry, I was able to use my [limit break] (FFVII w00t) to summon an inter-dimensional hammer. With the hammer, I was able to KO the Mary Sue and send her flying over the horizon."

"Was there a little spark of light with a little 'ding' noise when the Mary Sue was 1-hit KOed, like in Super Smash Bros. Melee?" Miguel asked in wonder.

Dallet replied with an affirmative as Miguel stared at her, completely in awe of Sailor Star Slayer's 'm4d Sue-bashing 5ki11z'.

They started talking about Sue-bashing for a while, but soon they ran out of subjects to talk about. The two dragon slayers walked in silence until Miguel yawned tiredly, "Hey Dallet, how 'bout we play Guess Who's On the Stairs to pass the time?"

"Sure, who should go first?" Sailor Star Slayer asked.

"You can start, since I don't know the rules very well." Miguel said.

"Hmm...let me think of one first...." Sailor Star Slayer thought for a while, "okay, guess who's on the stairs."

(Everything started to warp into [mini-game mode] -.-;;; ph34r m3h l4zy-n355)

Miguel: "Dilandau-sama?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "Nope"

Miguel: "Misty from Pokemon?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "Nope"

Miguel: "Is there a boy on the stairs?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "Yes (you have three 'yes or no' questions left)." Dallet answered.

Miguel: "Goku from Dragon Ball Z?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "Uh-uh"

Miguel: "Shippou from Inu Yasha?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "Nope"

Miguel: "Is the boy on the stairs from an anime made by Hayao Miyazaki?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "No, the anime was made by Clamp (you have two 'yes or no' questions left)."

Miguel: "Lee from Cardcaptor Sakura?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "Nope"

Miguel: "Zagato from Magic Knights Rayearth?"

Sailor Star Slayer: shakes head

Miguel: "Is the boy on the stairs from a PG rated anime?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "No, the anime is rated PG-13/R (you have one 'yes or no' question left)."

Miguel: "Hmm...Is the boy from Chobits?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "No, he is from X/1999 (you have zero 'yes or no' questions left).

Miguel: "Fuuma?"

Sailor Star Slayer: "Nope"

Miguel: "Is it Kamui?"

"Yay! You guessed it! Kamui is on the stairs." Sailor Star Slayer cheered, relieved that the mini-game had ended.

Miguel sighed, "that game is s lot more difficult than it seems."

"Do you want to play again?" Sailor Star Slayer asked.

Miguel was getting tired of mini-games, "Nah, I wonder if Gatti and Chesta are having any more luck with finding their way through this maze. For some reason it seems like we've been walking around in circles for the past few hours…"

--(Scene transition w00t!)--

Gatti and Chesta had been walking around the maze for a while having about as much luck as Sailor Star Slayer and Miguel (go figure =/), until Gatti came up with a really good idea, "Once in this one episode of Card Captor Sakura, they were trapped in a maze created by the Maze Card. In order to find their way out of the maze, Sakura had to place her right hand on the wall of the maze and continued following the path until she and Tomoyo eventually found their way out of the maze…or something like that, I haven't seen that episode in a while."

"Yay! You're so smart!" Chesta squealed happily, thankful that they would be able to find their way out of the maze before the Imperial Mary Sue Guards of Doom caught them, even though he had no clue what Gatti was talking about.

The two Dragon Slayers walked through the maze until they found what seemed like a clearing of trees (just pretend they were in a hedge maze or something o.0) They were about to sit down and rest, but they were startled by a crazy old man who jumped out of the bushes screaming incoherently, "thems child'erns! Thems child'erns!" The old man cried.

Chesta looked at the man worriedly, "Sir, is something wrong?"

The old man yelled in a panicked voice, "Aye, _He_ did ate thems child'erns, _He_ did!"

"Huh? Don't you mean _children_?" Gatti asked the old man.

"No, no…nooo thems child'ernsssses…." The old man whispered as if something terrible might overhear him if he spoke too loud.

"What are you talking about, sir?" Chesta looked slightly confused.

"_HE_ did ate thems child'erns, glooming in the dark, they WAS!" The old man's voice cracked as it rose to a shrill pitch.

Just then a bright orange parrot named Kenshin swooped down on the old man squawking, "Brrraaak! He's drunk, that he is! Too much booze, that he did! Pay him no mind! Brrraaaak!" The bird named Kenshin then flew off into the night sky and cackled as the two Dragon Slayers ran screaming into a nearby shrubbery to avoid the bombardment of gooey bird droppings let loose by the obnoxious orange samurai bird.

The old man seemed to forget that Gatti and Chesta were hiding in a shrubbery right next to him and he began arguing with a nearby oak tree. Gatti and Chesta thought that the old man was not sane and they both decided to get as far away from him as possible, because crazy people are scary and should be avoided at all costs (with the exception of Dilandau-sama).

Gatti and Chesta ran from the clearing while the crazy old man was distracted and didn't look back until they could no longer see the old man or the clearing. As they got farther from the clearing, the trees seemed to get denser and denser until they were no longer sure of where they were headed. They began to feel small and alone in the big spooky forest and they were terrified by the feeling that hundreds of creepy little eyes were watching them as they stumbled clumsily through the underbrush.

The two Dragon Slayers started to feel a bit woozy and they thought for sure that their eyes were playing tricks on them when they noticed some small shimmering lights off in the distance. Abandoning all sense of logic, they ran toward the little lights and lost the forest in a blur of branches and twigs. They ran in a crazed state of mind until they realized with dismay that they never seemed to get any closer to the little faerie lights.

Out of breath, they rested for a while and then a peculiar patch of colorful mushrooms caught Chesta's attention. Gatti, still intent on the distant glowing lights, did not notice Chesta's fixation with the bizarre mushrooms until it was too late…(continued….)

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Author's Note: w00t! I finally finished this chapter, after like five months… ;;; Please review.


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